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Lifekey Counseling - Mindful-Somatic Therapy for Complex Trauma: Anxiety, Shame, Stuckness

Secure:

Okay with Self and Other
Says, “I'm okay.”
Validated by Self and Other
Question relationships only when hurting
About 50% of general population
About 61% of therapists

>Anxious (aka 'Preoccupied' or 'Relationship Addict'):

Okay with Other, anxious when alone
Says, “Not enough! I need you!”
Externally validated and wants more togetherness, connection to Other
Rose-colored glasses – rarely question relationships, take what is offered
Familiar with depending on others, can easily fall into victim role
About 20% of general population
About 10% of therapists

>Avoidant (aka 'Dismissive' or 'Relationship Avoider'):

Okay with Self, anxious with Other
Says, “Too much! I need space!”
Self-validated and wants more alone time, connection to Self
Dark glasses – often questions relationships, seeks ideal relationship
Familiar with giving up Self, can easily fall into rescuer/caretaker
About 25% of general population
About 7% of therapists

>Mixed or Alternating (aka 'Disorganized' or 'Fearful-Avoidant'):

Neither Self nor Other is a consistent resource.
Says, “Too much! Not enough! Come close! Go away!”
Not validated
May dive into relationships, then panic and pull out or push away
About 5% of general population
About 22% of therapists

>(General population stats: Levine & Heller. Therapist population: Gunsberg & Hershberg.) >References Gunsberg, L., & Hershberg, S. G. (n.d.). Psychoanalytic theory, research, and clinical practice: Reading Joseph D. Lichtenberg (pp. 240-241). Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep -love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher.

Anxious (“Relationship Addict”)	Avoidant (“Relationship Avoider”)
Dependent	Self Sufficient and Counter-Dependent
Amplify Emotion	Diminish/Avoid Emotion
Feels Easily Abandoned	Feels Easily Controlled/Oppressed
External Focus, Lacking Internal	Internal Focus, Lacking External
“>You're supposed to help me!”	“>You're supposed to help yourself!”
Draw Attention to Survive	Avoid Attention to Survive
Drawn to stable/calm partner	Drawn to expressive partner
More likely to feel alone and cheat	More likely to seek something 'better'
“>Love Addict” (Dependent)	“>Sex Addict” (Self-Sufficient)
Often Takes the 'Talker' Role	Often Takes the 'Listener' Role
Low Discernment Choosing Partners	Hyper-Discerning and Ambivalent
“>Chaser” “Pursuer”	“>Chased” “Distancer”
“>Not Enough”	“>Too Much”
“>Come Here”	“>Go Away”
“>Our relationship is innately good.”	“>Our relationship has innate problems.”
Requires Other, Limited Trust in Self	Accustomed to giving up Self for Others
Healing Requires Self Focus	Healing Requires Other Focus

>Often, our attachment styles do not become activated until the relationship has reached a certain 'temperature' of commitment and dependence. The pairing of opposites can feel natural and intoxicating at the beginning of a relationship. Also, when the relationship ends, the avoidant side begins to feel emotion again, which can draw both back into relationship. >While these extreme attachment styles trigger one another during the routine status-quo of life, the dependency can switch when outside the norm, especially outside of the home, on vacation, or in company of others. >References Diamond, D., Blatt, S. J., & Lichtenberg, J. D. (2007). Attachment & sexuality. New York: Analytic Press. Karen, R. (1998). Becoming attached: First relationships and how they shape our capacity to love. New York: Oxford University Press. Kinnison, J. (2014). Type: Dismissive-Avoidant. Retrieved June 20, 2016, from https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/ Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep -love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher.

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Page Modified: Wed, 25 Sep 2024 20:50:08 GMT

Code, Content, and Photos © Jeremy McAllister